Justify Your Existence with Hum

by Stephen Thompson

The Onion: Why should anyone buy your record?

Jeff Dimpsey (bass): That's a real loaded question. Jesus. That's like trying to convince a girl at a bar why she should have sex with you when you meet her. You're just gonna end up sounding stupid, aren't you?

The Onion: Not necessarily.

JD: You don't think so?

O: Well, I mean, you'd sound stupid trying to convince a girl to have sex with you, but you probably won't sound stupid when you try to convince people to buy your record.

JD: You think?

O: Yeah, you're a musician type. You're used to selling yourself.

JD: Oh, I am? I thought those were two separate things. That's why we got a major label. They spend lots of money on us and try to sell us, so we don't have to worry about it.

O: So you don't have an answer?

JD: I don't know. I don't think I've ever had to justify my existence to any extent in my life. Um, no, not a good one. We'll rock your ass to the fuckin' moon.